my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
