Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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