I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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