Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
