Swine flu. Run for my life!
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
