"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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