Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
