my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
