the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
