You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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