I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
