I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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