he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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