the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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