i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I enjoy the company of your penis
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
