I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
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The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
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THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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