Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
