like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Small penises have feelings too.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
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Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
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If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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