Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
