The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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