so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
