can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
