first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
