This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
let's call it "werewolfing"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.