For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.