but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.