Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
