My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Randomize
