Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
