Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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