I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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