textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
