My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My liver just broke up with me...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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