the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
