so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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