you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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