I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
