I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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