Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
