so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
