We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
