explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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