I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
