so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
