And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Pants are for mortals
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
