Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
