Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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