Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
