i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
