maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
