I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
