omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
