It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
