No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
