**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
sarcasm needs its own font
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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