We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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