My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
