Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
